Ridiculous job ads

. “Nobody wants to work,” is a familiar refrain from hiring managers. “There are all these jobs available, but nobody wants to work.”
In reality, the problem is not that nobody wants to work. Plenty of people want to work.. They just cannot afford to devote so much time to a low-paying job with few to no benefits that they can neither pay their bills nor search for a better job. If the paycheck you’re offering me is gone before I make it down the list of the bills I have to pay each month, but I’ve been working so long I can barely walk to my couch to collapse never mind go on a hunt for a better job, I simply cannot work for you, whether I want to work or not. 
Job ads that ask the applicant to agree to do the work of multiple positions, keep themselves available to the company at all times, and accept pay that would only cover their expenses if they were about fifteen years old and just needed to save up for prom are standard anymore. But some ads have requirements that are so absurd, it’s like the higher ups don’t even want employees, just another excuse to whine. Names  and other identifying details have been changed to protect the ridiculous. 

Please be prepared to step through the screen at a moment’s notice

A tutoring company we shall call “Tutory Tutors” is looking for someone to work a variety of shifts. Their focus is on business and engineering, but they’re looking for someone to enlighten and inspire the next generation, because they want certified and experienced elementary and middle school teachers to join their staff. Reasonable so far, at least in today’s job market. Someone who has gone through the rigorous educational and testing requirements needed to become a teacher, and has put in their time student teaching and building their own teaching career should be a bit too far along on that path to do work that has traditionally been done by people who haven’t even finished college yet, but that simply isn’t the way things work today. 

But “Tutory Tutors” isn’t done. They would also like their tutors to have CPR certification. The tutoring is done online. 

We trust you with our students’ academic futures online…but not with your own resume.

Online teaching makes up a large part of my career as a writer. I am an Online Adjunct English Instructor at a university that offers classes online. In order to get my job, I first filled out the application on their personnel website, complete with my resume and references. Someone from the school then called me on the phone and conducted an interview. Once I received an offer, I was asked to verify my identity by submitting to a background check and stopping in at the County Clerk’s office in the town where I lived to have them notarize a paper verifying that the person who had applied and accepted the job was indeed the person they were presenting themselves to be. This was all perfectly reasonable. I got everything done quickly, and seven years later, I still work there. But I have still never even visited the main campus. It would be nice to tour my own workplace, but it would be a long and expensive trip, and it is not at all necessary. Everything is done online. 

Another school, in a different state, posted an ad for an identical job recently. There is just one difference. In order to be considered for this online adjunct teaching job, one that is actually possible to work for several years without getting near the place offline, you have to bring your resume into the office in person. While all schools are not corporations, they have certainly taken a lesson in absurdity from “big business” here. 

Work for us and we might not pay you…but we will sure appreciate it!

Artist Cafe Utica serves as a place for local artists to get free content once per week, and as my online office as a content writer. My niche is tiny. I only write for artists in and around Utica. Most content writers have much larger niches, marketing their work throughout the country or even internationally. This can be lucrative if your niche is a high demand, high paying field like tech or business, and if you are careful and selective about the clients you choose to work with. Or you can take on anyone with the word “writing” in their ad or profile as your client, and wind up with the content mill that posted  this job ad:

“We focus on college students. We are having US-based articles, Knowledge-based, we do job reviews of US, and we are also having knowledge based articles, we are having book reviews articles, company's review, job descriptions, puns and we also have the articles for swot analysis, mission statements of companies, etc.” 

And here are the “perks”: stipend up to $50 to $100 for 40,000 words per month…with extra payment for extra work, including a bonus upon completion of your three-month “internship.” Most blog articles are around 800 words.  This breaks down to being offered the chance at $1-$2 per article, for around 50 articles per month. But don’t worry about only being offered the mere possibility of a dollar or two a day. You also get a certificate of completion and a certificate of appreciation. 

​Most job hunters will agree that the search is frustrating, even demoralizing. Hiring managers and CEOs commonly complain that they can’t find workers, then make it impossible for anyone to qualify for or keep the jobs they offer. But some job ads go beyond the impossible…all the way to the absurd.